Monday, August 26, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Due to a link I posted yesterday on the One Million Pagans page on Facebook to a blog that was written exposing copyright infringement and identity theft, my posting privileges on Facebook have been suspended for the next 11 hours. I have challenged Facebook's decision but have heard nothing as of this writing. I can read everything you post, and can even private message with you all, but I cannot comment or like any of your posts... for now.

This is yet one more example that Facebook's terms of service are skewed to protect the dishonest...

Friday, August 23, 2013

If You Give it Time

Sometimes, as humans, when we have been hurt or are angry, we tend to lash out and react with our emotions. I can readily admit I am one of those types of people. I want to grab my laptop and go off on a tangent in my blog telling anyone who follows my ramblings just exactly what happened, and why I feel justified in my reactionary posts. All the while knowing, if I just sit back, watch what happens and wait patiently (not my best attribute) those who have hurt, angered, or maligned me will find themselves facing some of the things they have carelessly thrown out at others.

If you can find the quiet place within yourself to just sit back and wait for the universe to take care of the situation, more often than not, the outcome is much more enjoyable than anything you could have imagined. And instead of boisterously celebrating the fall from grace, it is much more satisfying to walk around with a smile on your face, which in the long run is even more gratifying because that smile will drive people crazy wondering what the hell you have been up to.

Yeah, I've got that smile today...

Monday, August 19, 2013

Moon Day Meanderings...

Here we are at another Moon Day with so many things running around in my mind. Some I'll share, others I won't simply because I have decided to limit the information I am putting out into the inter-webs. Before you get all hoity toity and want to know why now, what has happened to cause me to change up the way I do things, I'll give you a reader's digest explanation. Simply put, there are those individuals who are not privy to my life any longer and they have no business reading or knowing anything at all about me and how my life is going. This is how I feel *today*, who knows what tomorrow will bring ... I may go back to being the unfiltered, uncensored, loud mouth Bitch you have all come to love (or hate, which ever the case may be).

There is SO much going on in our little corner of the world, most of it is great, while a tiny portion I could do without. But since everyone I know has the same process going on in their life as well, I really have no room to complain about it. I will say, the trials I'm going through *now* will only make me stronger and more powerful for the next time. Thankfully, I learn from my experiences whether they be good or bad and tuck that learning into the back of my mind so I can pull it out and flex that power when needed.

The weekend was a bit strange to say the least. It was the first weekend of *agreed upon, legal, papers to prove it* visitation for the Witchling to spend the weekend at her father's house. Before I go any farther, I will tell you all and this is no secret so I don't care who reads this... I do NOT like the dad, At. All. In my opinion, he's a worthless piece of humanity who is taking up valuable oxygen that someone else could be using. The world in its entirety would be a much better place without him in it. He lies so much he can't keep straight what he has told to who and when you call him on it he tries to turn things around to make you out as the guilty party. He plays the system, is an expert at it ... and doesn't get caught. He was injured at work in 2011, was off the entire year of 2012, received a Worker's Compensation settlement for the injury that didn't prohibit him from riding the quads with his Dad, or doing anything else other than WORKING. Everything is gotta be about *me* and if it's not he throws a temper tantrum worthy of a 2 year old. I. Am. NOT. Joking. He will not EVER take responsibility for any of his actions, always blaming everyone else. And just so ya's know... it's all my fault my daughter moved out of his house and filed for custody. I only WISH I was that powerful and had that much control over her, if I did, she wouldn't have married the sorry bastard in the first place.

Okay, on to happier parts of the weekend... it was payday weekend and after paying the bills that were scheduled we still had money left over in the bank. WOOT! First time that has happened in a while. Our Friday night began with steaks on the grill with baked potatoes and corn on the cob. After cleaning up the few dirty dishes ( I LOVE our grill, we cook almost everything on it!), Jimmy and I ordered Les Miserables (yes, I know I'm way behind the times...sorry) on Demand, sat back with a glass of wine (Duplin's Black River Red) for me and a SoCo and Coke for him, and thoroughly enjoyed our time together (Witchling had already been picked up for her weekend at her dad's, and Tanya was still at work).

Saturday we piddled around the house for most of the morning and finally decided to get motivated. We had planned to go to the beach, but it was raining and was supposed to all weekend, so we changed things up and went out to lunch. After lunch, we did some shopping at Pier 1 and BJ's, with a short trip to Michael's looking for some black candles. Since Samhain is right around the corner, most paces are beginning to put out their decorations, alas... no black candles were found, yet. From there it was off to see my tattoo artist where I got one of the pieces I've been saving my pennies for. I'll post pictures after some of the redness goes away. Someone else I know began having work done on a gorgeous piece, but I can't talk about that yet. Again, pictures will follow at a later date.

Sunday, Jimmy goes back on the road, this time to North Little Rock and Tanya and I spend a nice quiet day just doing a whole lotta nothing. In reality we BOTH did an enormous amount of cleaning and sorting (Tanya did more, she finally unpacked the rest of the boxes in her room) and I took some time to go through my altar and remove some things that no longer resonate with me. These were things I've collected in the last year or so, and at the time I thought I was supposed to have them. Fortunately, after some grounding and refocusing my intent, I found these items were actually holding me back. I gathered them up and tossed them into the trash that was picked up this morning. After cleaning out the negativity, I smudged the entire house and burned some of the incense (my FAVORITE scent, Isis) I found on the trip to the beach with Amanda a couple weeks ago.

The Witchling came home at the agreed upon time this morning and it's been a strange day. She's been overly quiet, and hasn't wanted to eat much. She's colored and watch Bubble Guppies and Paw Patrol, but that's about all. She took a short nap and woke up SCREAMING after being asleep only about 10 minutes. After hugging and rocking her, she went back to sleep and woke up on her own about 30 minutes later. She looks extremely tired and just not her *normal* self. I know this is a huge change and shock for her, I'm just hoping there isn't something else going on...

Tomorrow starts week 5 of Environmental Policies. I already have my research paper finished and ready to be submitted, and there is only one discussion question for the week. Next Tuesday the 27th, I begin Intro to Politics, another class for the second minor I've chosen. I've ordered the textbook (have I told you lately how much I LOVE Amazon? I have been able to purchase my textbooks for less than a third of what they are listed in the college bookstore) and it should arrive this week. My classes are so much more interesting now that I've gotten into the actual degree courses. I've also found another place I want to check into for some classes in  Mind Body Transformational Psychology, with an emphasis on Holistic Nutrition & Urban Farming, and a concentration on Spiritual Studies.

I've also found myself obsessing over Deity, I work well with a few Goddesses and Gods but have not ever been able to say I'm a child of or a daughter of ________. Each person is different and unique in the way they walk with their chosen Deity, some say you can't be chosen by this one because she requires a lot of physical activity, others say this one won't work for you if you don't actually see a sign, a physical sign from them. Well, after much deep personal soul searching and cries to the heavens, I'm here to shout ... No one has the right to tell anyone who or how they can be spiritually led. Each Goddess or God shows themselves to an individual in many different manners and just because you work with a specific Deity in your manner does not mean I or anyone else will work that way as well. Again, this is part of the *I should have known better* place that I was lost in for a while. Many different people who I face to face know and respect tried to tell me I was going about things wrong. I just needed to open my heart and mind and LISTEN. Once I did this, I had no problem figuring out where I'm supposed to be walking. And again, I'm not in the sharing mood on this one yet, so ya'll's just gonna need to sit tight till I decide I want to tell you what and who I've been attached to.

I think that's enough rambling for this Moon Day, there is more I could share, and I'll probably be back later in the week to bore you again. Until then I leave you with:

Monday, August 12, 2013

Moon Day Melancholy

Webster's dictionary gives a few different meanings for melancholy; I think the third definition suits how most of my Moon Days (or Mondays as they are more commonly known) feel for me ...

melancholy - adjective - given to or marked by long, quiet thinking.  

Synonyms: broody, cogitative, meditative, musing, pensive, reflective, ruminant and thoughtful

Even though Mondays are probably one of the busier days of the week for me, I have found it is also one of the best and easiest days to be able to do some soul work on myself. Tanya works a mid-shift and is home somewhere after 5:00 so that means I have Ravyn from about 9:30am so Mommy can get ready for work, to around 6ish by the time she stops at the grocery to pick up odds and ends we may have missed over the weekend. I usually have an assignment as well as responses to 2 discussion questions for Ashford, and it's the day I prefer to do laundry and household chores if possible.

Somewhere in the midst of all this craziness, I find the time to mentally slip away to my quiet place and go within. I had been using the time after the house is quiet for the day, after everyone is asleep, to just sit in the peacefulness of the house and look back on the previous week to see where any adjustments may need to be made. However, since I began the current Chopra Center Meditation Challenge last week, the mornings before everyone gets up for the day seem to work much better. This week, my Moon Day began as planned with day 8 of the Meditation Challenge. (let me add right here, this challenge seems to be more personally fulfilling than the previous 3 I've completed)  After the recent craziness in my world, this challenge came at the perfect time to nudge me back on the path I wandered from.

I've already blogged about how I *lost* me and the conscious effort I've made to not only get back on track but to stay there, so I won't reiterate it here. Just know I *have* begun the process and I am doing much better without all the excess drama in my life and the constant behind the scenes bickering. I've subscribed to a few new blogs about working with your higher self, have found those persons who do not resonate with your higher self are easy to remove from your life and my inner peace and spiritualism is once again in harmony. I've also begun to once again listen, I mean really LISTEN to my Spirit Sister and mentor and to make informed choices rather than knee jerk reactions.

The best part of getting *me* back to where I'm supposed to be is the reconnecting with my family, and friends who I pushed aside while I was riding the crazy train. These people never left my life even though I felt I had no room for them and I am so thankful they welcomed me back with open arms and gentle admonitions. I have been able to get back into the books I felt were my *bibles* when it came to my Craft, and I've found new things in a couple of them I somehow missed the first 3 or 4 times I read them. All in all, my life is pretty good at the moment ...

OH! Those nightly candle lit lavender bubble baths?? I haven't given them up. They are my time to relax and reflect at the end of a busy, hectic, crazy day in the life of me ...

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Wednesday Wanderings

Yesterday afternoon, Tanya and I had a few errands to run ... the attorney's office, Apple Crate and groceries. After we were finished in the grocery, we are walking through the parking lot to my truck. As we stop the shopping cart at the back of my truck so we can raise the hatch and load the bags, I hear Tanya yelling STOP, STOP, HEY, HEY and then I'm picking myself up off the ground ... the driver of a pickup has backed out of it's space, not paying attention to what he's doing and runs into our cart full of groceries. This sets up a domino effect, the cart is knocked over, I'm knocked to the ground, the cart lands on top of me. I don't think I hit my head (it's not sore nor do I feel any bumps), but I sure landed hard on my back. The police arrive, the ambulance comes zipping in, I get all checked out, the police give us paperwork, and I refuse to be transported by ambulance all the while promising I will go get checked out. And I did ... just not until this morning ...

Last night is a blur, I know we had dinner, home made tostadas and then it's off to a hot bath I go to soak in lavender bath salts to try and ease some of the ouchies I've developed. After putting on the PJ's I find I have quite the collection of purple bruises on various parts of my body. Great! Into the bed I go, try to get comfortable enough to sleep, which seems to be the most elusive thing I could imagine cause I'm still awake at 2 am. Out of bed, find the Tylenol PM and back to bed to toss for another 30 minutes or so. Finally somewhere around 3:45 (the last time I remember looking at the clock) I manage to finally fall asleep.

Up this morning and I am more than sore, my back won't stop hurting so it's off to the ER we go. Three hours, 10 Xray's and two prescriptions for pain meds and muscle relaxers later, I get the news there is nothing broken, however, this accident *may* have aggravated some underlying issues in my back that I *may* not have been aware of or had any trouble with until now. YIKES!! And they give me a referral to a back and spine doctor and a physical therapist. I am NOT a happy camper at this point.

On a positive note, I DID get to do Day 3 of the Chopra Center's 21 Day Meditation which actually helped me to balance this crazy day. So I feel pretty good emotionally, just kinda tired and sore in my physical body. I also have a heart meditation I've been doing at bedtime and with last night being the exception, I have slept more soundly and peacefully than I have in quite a while. I guess my Momma's saying about going to sleep with a clear conscience really does come into play with one's sleeping habits.

Tanya is off tomorrow and she has one place she's wanting to go. I don't know if I'll go or not. Depends how I'm feeling. I do have an assignment due at Ashford on Monday, 2 discussion questions for tomorrow and a quiz due on Sunday. So I may stay home and use the quiet house to get some of that work done.

Well, my Darlin's, that's all I have for this time. Yes, I know journal/diary type entries are kinda boring, but for now this is how I'm proceeding. Ya gotta follow your Muse and she's telling me to take it easy, at least for a little while.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

New Day... New Attitude

Morning Everyone! And Happy Tuesday to you all!

When I woke up this morning I made a conscious decision to make the best of each and every day. I'm not going to promise each day will be full of sunshine and rainbows, because you all know I have a temper, love to rant and some days just need to be utilized for snarkiness. I did begin today with Day 2 of the Oprah & Deepak 21 Day Meditation Challenge. I have already participated in this challenge 3 times & each time I finish the challenge, I find a new and different perspective to my world.

I've also re-examined my personal goals for my family, education and spiritual life and found I had been detoured from the steps I set down to achieve those goals. As of this morning's meditation I am please to say I am back on track. I will be working daily with my spiritual mentor to maintain the balance of my higher self so as to keep my feet firmly planted on this track to bigger and better things for my life.

In the past few weeks I have been reminded that I have many friends and family members who for one reason or another have developed some pretty debilitating diseases or medical conditions. One cousin by marriage has had a re-occurrence of cancer, one daughter suffers from Chiari Malformation and  fybromyalgia (this is not a new diagnosis), the other has hyperthyroid disease (again, not a new diagnosis) and is trying to schedule an appointment to test for Grave's disease, and a close personal friend has just recently been diagnosed with Stage 1 Multiple Sclerosis.

This made me stop and examine the things I do in my personal life to see if I was on the fast track to developing some of the conditions running rampant in  my biological family. And it's not a pretty picture. Both my parents were diabetic, both had high blood pressure, and both were over weight for a large part of their lives. So far, I haven't been diagnosed with diabetes or high blood pressure, but I'm thinking if I don't make some changes I'll be right there in a few short years.

Again, these changes are going to be difficult for me to follow through on, I'm lazy when it comes to healthy eating and I do not like physical activity other than walking around my neighborhood or the mall (I've thought about joining the mall walkers over at Cross Creek Mall, but I haven't figured out how to do this with Ravyn, yet). Somewhere in all the mess I call my life I HAVE to find the drive and determination to get up off my butt and make some radical changes.

Also, the tone of the things I share here in the Lair will be changing. And if you find them too boring I will understand if you decide to stop following. Last night I had an epiphany... I do not need or want the numbers. I began this blog as an outlet for my depression and even though it's gone through many different phases of my life, the numbers were not important then and they are not important now. Just as I've reduced the number of people on my friends list on Facebook, the pages I *liked* and the number of people I follow on Twitter, I have also removed some of the blogs I followed at one time simply because they no longer interest me or fit in with the things I want for the future.

Plans have changed for the political themed blog I was going to begin writing, it's still there in the back of my brain, but the focus has shifted and for now Opinionated Pagan has been shelved. Once I manage to balance the things I'm already involved in, I'll reevaluate the desire to become politically active.

That's all the updates for today. I *plan* to write a bit each day, perhaps along the line of a daily journal type entry. And if *life* doesn't get in the way as it is known to do in my world, I'll be able to keep this commitment to myself.

Have a great Tuesday and be safe...

Monday, August 5, 2013

Revelations ... Or Why I NO Longer Belong to A Tribe

I've been relatively quiet the past couple days, there is a lot going on here at home. Things that at one time I would have shared with my online family. Unfortunately, an online family is one of the biggest fallacies anyone could ever imagine. These are people you only know online through social media such as Facebook or Twitter or what they write in their blogs. Some, you may have even met a time or two, but mostly haven't spent any amount of time really getting to know. I've often wondered who is this I'm calling friend? That point was brought home with a vengeance over the weekend of July 26 - 28th, but more on that later.

This post is probably going to be full of rambling thoughts and somewhat incoherent. There is so much going on and I want to share some of it. First, contrary to recent popular belief, I am exactly who you see or read online as well as in real life. A week ago, I was called sister, today that same person called me a drama queen. By definition a drama queen is "Someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal. Someone who blows things way out of proportion whenever the chance is given". Ask anyone who *truly* knows me face to face (and here again, I'm not talking about meeting over lunch and knowing who I'm dealing with, cause BOY was I fooled) has spent any amount of time with me if I am a drama queen and they will heartily laugh in your face.

Yes, I get emotional, yes I am passionate, and YES I get angry and do stupid things. But drama queen just doesn't fit. At. All.

Next up is passive aggressive. Yep, I've also been called passive aggressive. And the urban dictionary has that as * A defense mechanism that allows people who aren't comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them*. Hmmm, I looked in the mirror just to be certain and I found nope, this one doesn't apply to me either.

Passive aggressive behavior is running rampant, rampant I say! And the ones that are behaving this way have no idea it is they who are actually exhibiting the same kind of behavior they are so quick to label someone else with. And I'm here to tell you, writing a blog entry, or a status message calling some one their shit without naming names is NOT being passive aggressive. If that were so, then all ya all's bitches would be passive aggressive.

Let's see, next is hypocrite. The Urban Dictionary defines this as *Someone who says something that even (s)he disagrees with. A person who is the exact opposite of what (s)he is. Anyone who discriminates against people or things that are just like them or that they do.

*Oh we love and accept everyone and everything!! Unless it does not agree with what they think, and especially the fearless leader who throws a freaking full blown temper tantrum if you dare challenge their opinion or call them out on their scathing hatred for anything that does not agree with them.* Yep, that my friends is about as close to an example of being a hypocrite as I can find.

And the icing on the cake is: Saboteur. Urban dictionary defines this as "A person who often engages in sabotage. Often being sabotaged by someone else. Someone who commits sabotage or deliberately causes wrecks." Just to be clear let's add the definition for sabotage: "Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening an enemy through subversion, obstruction, disruption, and/or destruction." Now, there is a wild and crazy story making the rounds on the inter-webs, and I will admit it is true...partly. However, as usual, an action was taken WAY out of context and hysteria was born. Here's what really happened, but seriously, I could confess to murdering the Pope here and it wouldn't make any difference to those who follow the crowd and have already made up their minds. But just in case there are some who would like BOTH sides of the story before they rush to judgement, here goes...

Some say I had a disagreement with a couple ladies over on Facebook, that isn't the case. I posted a mini rant on my Timeline that many took offense to. OK, that's fine, I don't try to please everyone. These same ladies unfriended me over said supposed argument. Again, OK, no big deal. Now here's where the *real* story comes in. Truth is, I was more than tired of the catty, scathing, judgmental, backstabbing goings on of more than one individual. The accusations of copyright infringement (at this point there was none, but once someone makes up their mind that's all there is to it), the bitching about "the athame I saw in a picture of her altar looks like the ones I make and I didn't make it for her", and "Vickie's making Tarot bags and I already sell them" (note to anyone who cares: I make Tarot ENVELOPES not Tarot pouches with a drawstring closure) and the constant bitching because someone else just doesn't measure up the the lofty standards of a few select individuals. And I posted in a public forum about how fed up I was. (Yes, this was wrong) I also *unpublished* a Facebook page that was linked to my personal account so I could figure out how to unlink it, before moving away from it. At that point I wan't going to do anything else, I was going to leave quietly. But then the attacks came, cloaked as concern for the bigger picture. After dealing with the *why did you do this?* and *put it back and let us take it over*, I also chose to change the password on the email account for said group, again, until I could figure out how to unlink it from my personal account. At this point I still meant no harm and didn't want to damage anything.

Ahhh, but then the holier than thou all knowing jumped on the bandwagon and accused me of sabotaging an entire years worth of the project, ruining the project and threatening to sue me for loss of  income from some of the people who may or may not be involved in the project. By the time this version of the tale had made the rounds I was worse than pond scum to many. After the accusations and threats I DID delete both the Facebook page and email account. By this time I was DONE with the shit and walked away. I feel no shame or remorse for my actions. Does this make me a saboteur? Maybe... do I care? NOT ONE BIT!

Moving along here, I'm back to rambling so try to hang with me. This does have a point somewhere.

Some people feel lost without the sense of having a tribe to belong to. I admit, for a very short time, just about a year, I was looking for a place to belong. When I found what I thought was my little corner of heaven, I quickly found it was more like a piece of hell. But finally I *belonged*, I had *friends*, I had ... the Pagan Pat Robertson... that's right, or maybe it was more like Jim Jones. After I stopped drinking the Kool-Aid I woke up and realized, I didn't like the popular crowd in high school. What the hell made me think I'd like them as adults?

Now this next part may seem a bit off track, but hang on and I'll tie it into my thoughts. There is an increasing number of people in the Pagan community, who for one reason or another find themselves in a leadership role and shouldn't be in that position. Many of these people began as a regular Joe, hanging out on Facebook, writing blogs, forming groups (some of these groups have even sprung up across the U.S.) and doing everything they can to *help* the community. Once they begin collecting minions, they find they need more and more and more. You get my drift. They begin to see themselves as all powerful, but in reality they are just power tripping on their own imagined importance.

Once you get to the point of self described importance, you feel you have the right and ability to judge those who don't measure up to you. You become a danger to the community. Become a liability instead of an asset. Much like a dictator, a vastly intelligent dictator, because not only a dictator, but one who makes everyone else LOVE them, LOVE being manipulated by them, LOVE throwing themselves at them, and LOVE  slamming other people to get their approval.

And Goddess PLEASE! Do Not EVER make a mistake, because even if you do take full responsibility for your actions, you will never be forgiven, only tolerated until you just can't take anymore and walk away from the dictatorship. Except, leaving a dictatorship always has repercussions you could only imagine before you took that fateful step away from the madness. When you do find your way back to sanity don't be surprised when those you walked away from need to publicly create some bullshit drama about it instead of telling the truth. Oh, yeah... and it will always be your fault, never theirs.

My point to all this mess is simple, at least to me it is. The need to *belong* is deep within us all, and we are constantly searching for our family, tribe or group. For some, they will fit in nicely because they are the followers. But for others like me we won't fit in for very long, when you have more than one leader or *Type A* personality in any given situation, it rapidly goes to hell in a hand basket. I've known for most of my life I am not a person to follow along blindly in any given situation, and I am sorry I let me get lost in someone else's obsession to climb to the top regardless of how many people are stepped on along the way.

I was warned ... but I chose to ignore the advice all because I wanted to belong, I paid for my disastrous decision and now I'm through trying to be part of the *in crowd*.