Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year and Welcome to 2013!

I know, I know... everyone is writing today and setting their goals or resolutions for the coming year. I have a few goals as well, and like many people I believe mine are THE ones that will rock the world. However, unlike many people, I learned an enormous lesson from previously failed goals and my inability to stand firm with my resolutions. I don't make resolutions about weight loss, quitting smoking, writing every day or any of the more popular choices folks seem to trot out this time of the year. I don't make a last minute list to toss about in the first few hours of the new year... I spend some time contemplating the things from the previous year I want to remove from my life and the others I want to improve on. Then I set a plan for implementing the improvements. And I begin with baby steps...

First up is getting me back to me. The past 9 weeks have been the most difficult of  times I have ever experienced and I still find myself wanting to crawl into a hole and pull the ground in after me. Since my mother passed away on October 27th, my experience with depression has gone from a mild type of seasonal  depression that I go through every year, to full blown leave me alone, let me cry, I don't care, I'm not leaving my bed, non functioning human being here. Fortunately, I have an amazing family, fantabulous friends and support system who let me work through the grieving process but wouldn't let me become the zombie I so wanted to be. Today, I can look in the mirror and know I'm on my way back, and even though I still hurt and miss my Momma, it is getting a tiny bit easier as each day passes to be a contributing part of the functioning human species once again.

I am taking time to meditate and work on my inner self, which in turn will help me with my next step of eating better. I have been lazy, and lackadaisical with my kitchen and cooking responsibilities. I only cook when there is someone here besides me. With Jimmy on the road junk food was not only easier but seemed a way to *comfort* myself. I did cook for Thanksgiving and I did cook for Christmas. I'm cooking today and I'm the only one here. But the things I could microwave were what I've been eating for the most part. I know,I know...it's no where near being any kind of healthy and I am paying for it...I promise you that. And as I begin to eat healthy once again, I hope in a round about way that eating right will in turn lead to the beginning of weight loss. With both my parents and my maternal grandmother having TypeII diabetes I know I am a prime candidate to develop this horrible disease and I am determined to NOT be the next in line, to actually beat the odds. It's difficult, I know that, and I'm also weak willed, I give in to temptation all too easily.

There you have it, my baby step, real and attainable goals for the beginning of 2013. Yes, I have more hopes, dreams and things I want to manifest in my life and the life of my family through out the coming year, but again...I'm progressing with teeny tiny baby steps. One tiny step at a time...

10 comments:

  1. The gods never cease to amaze me. You came into my life at one of my most difficult times. I have struggled with depression for over 20 years. It is a cruel and evil disease. I have been off meds for a few months and thought I was doing well and then the freight train hit. I start student teaching on January 14th which means I am quitting my job tomorrow. I thought it was just normal fear of the unknown (and fear of no income!) and then I realized that the darkness was trying to take hold again. I have become irritable and cry at the drop of a hat. I am so afraid of failing at this and keep thinking that I cannot do it and I finally realized that it is The Darkness whispering these things in my ear. The Darkness tells me I can't and that I will fail. The Darkness tells me the students and school administrators will hate me. The Darkness tells me that I should just give up because we just can't handle it financially right now. I explained this to my husband (through tears) and he said "I will be here telling you that you can." But, I said "The Darkness is louder than you." He just hugged tighter and said "I will yell."
    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is a pain I can only compare to the loss of my beloved Grammy three years ago. She was on the same level as my Momma to me and the hole in my soul is just as big today but, I'm starting to think it is The Darkness that is keeping it that way. I propose that, in 2013, we fight The Darkness together. Somehow, I think that is why our paths crossed when they did... <|:-)

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    1. I agree! The Darkness can be our greatest enemy, I have learned to embrace my Darkness and by doing so I have learned how to work with her. It's difficult, I won't say it isn't. But sounds like your husband is your greatest support as is mine. Listen to those whispers... you will learn MUCH from them.

      Having said this...you WILL be a great asset to those lives you will be touching on a daily basis, don't give in, don't give up! And let me know if I can help you in ANY way... Stay strong!

      Much love to you! <3

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    2. I have never thought of working with The Darkness...I like it...maybe that is why it has been around so long. I'm missing the point and need to learn to work WITH it instead of fighting AGAINST it. There is something to be learned in everything. You ROCK!!!

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    3. Once you embrace your Dark side and actually begin to listen to that sometimes nagging voice, you will find she does have important things to tell you. And yeah, you ROCK too!!

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  2. i have suffered with depression most of my life but one thing i know is when you say that you are taking baby steps, you are ready. it is hard. you can do it! if you ever need a helping hand, i am here! best of luck and huge hugs!!!

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    1. Thanks Shelly! I recently found I have such a large support group and I am SO very thankful for each and every one of you. Let me know if I can help you as well. Many hugs!

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  3. Momma Witch you know I am here for you and love you and will send you healing strenth everyday. I have missed you dearly and will not let you fall. We can help each other eat right and lose weight. I am trying so hard to lose about 10 pounds or so. Its been hard. 2013 will be a wonder ful year for you and full of happiness.;)

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    1. Stevie! You always make me smile! Thank you for being there... and I've missed you too.

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  4. I am right there with you. We can all beat this...one baby step at a time. Love and hugs!

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    1. Bella, my Bella! YOU are probably the ONE who gets all of me and what I'm going through. I know there are others in our shoes, but June 10th to October 27th... that's pretty close. Thank you for being my friend and thank you for helping to hold me up when I know you would much rather be hiding in one of those holes I wrote about. Much love!

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