With the million and one things that have happened in the past 30 days, I have no idea how I've managed to get through them all. I DO know I have some of the most caring and compassionate friends any one person could ask for. Every single one of you have stopped by my Facebook page on a daily basis to leave some love and ask how I'm doing. There are a few of you who know me better than I know myself and have pulled me up by my boot straps and set my fumbling feet on the path to recovery. I have no words to express just how much you ALL mean to me or to let you know how much you are appreciated.
I've got 2 blog posts sitting in the *draft* mode, but I can't seem to find the words to finish either of them. The most difficult one is the Memories of Momma. Every time I try to work on it, I come up blank even though my mind is filled with so many memories. I suppose it's just not the time to put them down in writing...yet.
I also have one on the trip to Arizona for the memorial service via Maryland and back to North Carolina. It's also in the finish later column. There is just too much information which has begun to feel and read like a scrabble board, nothing makes sense. I don't know if I'll finish the post I have begun about this adventure or delete it and begin anew...
I haven't taken care of Ravyn on my own yet. I'm still having anxiety and panic attacks, and I'm not comfortable being responsible for someone other than myself. Jimmy helps when he's home and would probably prefer to be here more than he has been. I *need* him to go about his normal daily things and that means driving that tractor trailer and being away from home for a few days. I still find myself *zoning out* and drawing a blank, many times forgetting what I was saying or doing. And my bed and blankets are still my haven.
In my quest to return to normalcy in my life, I did cook Thanksgiving dinner. I was so happy that Amanda & Steve could come down from Durham to join Tanya, Ed, Sam, Ravyn, Jimmy and me as we celebrated the things we are thankful for. And PLEASE, if you have anything negative to say about Thanksgiving, just keep it to your self. We here in the L`Esperance Lair choose to celebrate family, friends and the things we have to be thankful for, and not the Thanksgiving we all were taught in elementary school.
Do you all do *Black Friday*?? We don't! Tanya and I did go out later in the day and brave Target and Kmart looking for the finishing touches I wanted for this years Yule decorations. I changed up from the blue, silver and purple we used the past 2 years and went with red and silver. Yule/Christmas 2009 we were living in Raleigh, our decorations that year were red and silver with candy canes and snowflakes. Unfortunately, those decorations were left behind when we moved to Hope Mills. We moved in 2 cars, and didn't have the room or the money for gas to make multiple trips.
Some of my fondest memories of my Mother were the holiday's we'd share at her house. Even after my brother and I were grown and had our own families, we made a point to spend the holidays with my parents. Our decorating ritual began on Black Friday, there was NO shopping for us. NO! We spent the entire day decorating Momma's house from top to bottom and both inside and out. Transforming our piece of the desert into Momma's idea of a Christmas wonderland was challenging at best. But somehow we pulled it off each year. Daddy and the guys worked outside, putting lights in the mesquite trees and just under the eves of the house. They set up *farolitos* lining the drive to the house and along the front porch and steps. The cleaned out the fire pit, so we could all enjoy a Christmas eve bonfire with our many friends and neighbors.
Inside, the females would set up the tree, and then begin decorating it with Momma's crystal ornaments. There HAD to be an ornament on EACH branch. Some would be working in other parts of the house adding the garland to all the arches and along the built in china hutch in the dining room. My job was to set up her Department 56 *Dickens' Village*. This sometimes took more than a day or two, depending on how many buildings and little people statues she wanted to use. And if we needed to replace any of the bulbs that lit the houses or she wanted to add a new piece, we would often have to drive into to Tucson, which turned into an all day shopping marathon, LOL!
When my world was so topsy turvy, I took a LOA from my classes. I struggled to finish the class I was in at the time, but manged to get a B- for the class. Today, I go back to class, it's day one of week one of Interpersonal Communication. This is also the first class I've had where we are required to submit a research paper each week. Luckily, two of them are papers where we give our opinion or critique of an article found in the Ashford Library. And... the instructor has provided a link to the article, which is a good thing for me, because that library irritates me each time I have to use it.
Mercury retrograde hit Jimmy harder than it did me this time. He was more emotional and easier to anger than any other time. I don't know if it was because I was already living in a fog or if I have finally figured out how to prepare for the unsettled emotions it has brought to me in the past. I will admit to being more weepy and crying more quickly, but I'm just going to attribute that to part of the mourning cycle. I'm hoping it's because I have finally learned how to work through it, reinforce my shields and reduce the raving lunatic bitch I turn into during Mercury Retorgrade.
So, there you have it. This is the latest update on me, and how I/we are doing down here in Hope Mills, NC. Thanks for stickin by me and giving me the time and space I needed to find my way back to life, living, and the every day happenings on the inter webs.