Sunday, July 31, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 17 ~ A Book You've Read That Changed Your View On Something

ChristoPaganism by Joyce and River Higginbotham

Most of you know I am a Witch and Jimmy is a Christian. It wasn't always like this. When we first got together, I was just beginning to explore the Pagan Path after living all of my life in a Christian home/family. And Jimmy didn't claim any religion as his own after growing up catholic and leaving church as a young man.

The Wheel turns and things evolve...Jimmy finds God and I begin to worry what this is going to do to our relationship. Most people I/we talked to told us the same thing...it can't be done. A Christian and Pagan/Witch CANNOT live together. They are at cross points of the spectrum.

However, after reading this book, talking to Jimmy and really listening to his beliefs and how he feels his relationship with his God works, and then explaining my concerns to him, helped us to find the way to keep our relationship together. Both if us firmly believe in our separate spirituality and we each encourage the other to do all that is needed in order to be the best we can be in our worship.

I was raised Christian, so I can help him with scripture, recommend books and music for him, I even go to church with him. I don't feel threatened, and actually enjoy spending time with him as he worships.

He has spent some time with me in ritual before his path changed, so he is comfortable coming to my Circle, and can and does even participate occasionally. He knows I'm not "evil" as some have tried to convince him.

We are both open and communicate to each other about the things we feel in our spiritual lives and I know this is how we make our dual path work for us...

30 Days of truth ~ Day 16~ Something or Someone You Could Definitely Live Without

I could definitely live without people who have a "holier than thou" attitude and are determined that their religious beliefs are the ONLY way to believe.

You know, those people who for one reason or another have their noses buried in dogma and law that they can't find the peace and love of their chosen religion. Perfect example is the group behind the DC40...this group actually frightens me. For some reason, the fully believe that the US is a Christian country and any other religion or faith needs to be abolished. And they aren't just sitting quietly behind their prayers, they have begun calling themselves warriors...

More on this in a later blog.

SO...the one thing I can definitely live without is close minded people...

30 Days of truth ~ Day 15 ~ Someone or Something You Couldn't Live Without

I'm going to answer BOTH of these...

*Someone* I couldn't live without.

This would have to be my soul mate and husband Jimmy. When I met him, I was at a horrible place in my life, I felt like I was on a dead end street and actually hated my life, my husband and all the things I thought were the issues that were making me feel boxed in. I can honestly say I don't know how I made it before he came into my life.

He gave me honesty, freedom, but most of all he gave me respect, without conditions. And just like so many other couples out there, we have our moments, but because we respect each other, we take the time to work through what ever problem has popped up and make sure we put it to rest.

I also have to include my children and grand girls...they have brought such joy to my life. I don't see them all on a regular basis, I do chat with them online and by phone, but there isn't a day that goes by that they aren't in my thoughts and prayers.

The *Something* I couldn't live without is more along the line of a *tee hee*...I am addicted to Starbucks Verona Blend coffee and International Delight Amaretto Creamer. My mornings are dangerous if something happens and I don't have my coffee...LOL! But seriously, I wake up, take the puppies out, make coffee and then depending on the weather and if the mosquitoes are out in force or not, I try to sit outside and enjoy the peace of the new day as I drink my coffee. I thoroughly enjoy the solitude of the morning and right now, I'm looking forward to the beginning of fall with the cooler temps and fresh scent to the air.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 14 ~ A Hero That Has Let You Down

This one is tough...

My Daddy has always been my hero and no matter what I did, he was always there to give me his support. I made decisions and choices in my life I know he didn't agree with, but he never turned his back on me.

Then one day, when I had just turned 41, out of the blue, he said some things to me that hurt me more than the spankings he gave me as a child. He cut me so deep, I moved away and didn't speak to him for a little over 4 years.

That was tough, I had always been able to go to him with any problem or issue and he would listen, and help me work things out. But now all of a sudden, I was completely on my own.

Thankfully, we were able to mend our fences before I moved away from Arizona. He passed away in 2004.

I miss you Daddy...

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 13 ~ A Band or Artist That Has Gotten You Through Tough Times

Gary Stadler

His music is the ONE thing that gets me through my random bouts with depression. I have 4 albums loaded onto my iPod and when I'm unsettled, Gary Stadler is the music I *need* to get me back on track.

As a matter of fact, I have 2 of my favorite tunes on my player here on this blog.

Give him a listen and let me know what you think.

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 12 ~ Something You Never Get Compliments On

Evidently this one just doesn't apply to me... either I don't get compliments on something and I've never paid attention to the non compliments, OR ...

I just don't know how to answer this one. I mean, should I be upset that I don't get complimented on something, even though I don't know what I've been missing? Or do I just let the non compliments roll off my back? Hmmmm, I think I'm gonna go with the latter.

Yep, not getting complimented on something is a non issue for me, I just don't worry about it, I don't feel I'm missing anything, so ppfffftttt!

Monday, July 25, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 11 ~ Something People Compliment You On The Most

Most people compliment me on my attitude or outlook. I, for the most part, try to find the good in all things.

I'm an optimist, my glass is half full. And I really don't like it when others are the ones with the glass half empty because I feel they are "jinxing" the outcome of whatever situation is at hand.

I've learned to live in the moment, yes, I still have my hopes and dreams, and I give voice to them on a regular basis. BUT, I don't run around screaming if a hope or dream doesn't manifest.

Life isn't always a bed of roses for me, I'm unemployed, again. So many of the things I wanted to do have once again been placed on the back burner. When this happens, I just change course and find the small blessings that have been placed before me.

Tonight was a perfect example. It has been so hot and humid here for the past week or so, thunderstorms all around us. We didn't get any rain or relief. Today, late afternoon, early evening I began to hear the rumble of thunder and just "knew" in my heart we would get a bit of relief. It didn't rain a lot, just a few sprinkles, but the temperature did cool down more than enough to sit outside and enjoy the evening.

It's still thundering in the distance, I don't think we will get any more rain, but the few sprinkles we did get were enough to put a smile in my heart and on my face.

Optimism. Yes, I am most often complimented on my outlook...

Sunday, July 24, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 10~ Someone You Need to Let Go, Or Wish You Didn't Know

Hmmmm, I don't *think* I'm hanging onto anyone.

By that I mean, when I'm done with someone or something, I'm DONE. So to answer this one in more than just a couple sentences is gonna take some thought.

I suppose I have those in my closet that would fall into this category, doesn't everyone? Right now, in my life today (OK, tonight, LOL), I can truthfully say there is not one person I'm holding onto.

Yes, I have my memories of people who have crossed into my life for one reason or another, but I'm not obsessed with anyone in particular.

And as far as the wish I didn't know someone goes, yeah, I have a few of those. Mostly people who popped up at a time when I could have really done without their drama or agenda.

They are gone now, out of my life and I feel I'm doing just fine without them...

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Testing...

I have been trying to figure out the html coding to add a link to someone else's page. I'm not sure this is it, but I'm gonna put the code here and see what happens.

I really enjoyed reading my friend Cordelia's entry today. She wrote about Solitude.

YAY!!! IT WORKED! I am SO stoked. Now I can link to pages when I write something... GO ME!!! LOL

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 9 ~ Someone You Didn't Want to Let Go

Someone I didn't want to let go... names & faces, names & faces... keep flashing through my mind, how do I choose just one *someone*?

I can't settle on one, so you get a couple *someone'(s)* for today's entry.

There's my BFF from HS, K. We did everything together. Went to church, sang in both the youth and adult choirs. Competed for some of the same offices in our church youth group. Even dated some of the same guys, not at the same time, but when we broke up with someone the other was maybe interested in, we talked about it and there was honestly NO problem or jealousy.

I can't remember exactly what caused us to loose touch the first time. We were apart for more than 10 years. When we reconnected, it was like we were never apart. And after many late night conversations we swore we would never let a guy come between us again. I'm still not completely sure that's the reason for the first estrangement, but it seemed like the perfect thing/person to lay the blame on at the time.

Unfortunately, a guy is the exact thing that caused our separation this time. OK, 2 guys...her current husband and my ex #4 (see entry for day #8). I really didn't get along with her hubby and neither she or her husband liked my ex. We told them they needed to figure a way to get along. And it worked for a while, til I removed Ex #4 from my life and he went to her with his lies. I haven't seen or talked to K in 10 years now. We do chat on Facebook on occasion, but the closeness is gone and it's just not the same.

Then there is J.

Before I get into this one, I should probably let you know, I am bisexual. This is one of the reasons for removing Ex #4 from my life. He freaked out when I told him and just couldn't handle that I liked girls too... his loss in my book. Most guys I know fantasize about having 2 women, he said he did, but when it came right down to it, he thought I was some sort of weirdo...

Anyway, Jimmy and I had heard all the stories and rumors surrounding J. We probably should have RUN the opposite way, instead we both ended up falling in love with her. Yes, I FULLY believe you can be in love with more than one person at a time. We tried to show her how it felt when someone is loved unconditionally, which we don't think she ever knew. I think we frightened her. Not because both of us were in love with her, she was good with that. She just didn't seem to be able to handle love without conditions, blame, negativity, lies, abuse, belittling... the things she had gotten from both of her ex husbands.

She lied to us...too many times and we caught her in each instance. And she was jealous...not of the relationship Jimmy & I have together. She was jealous of our other friends. People we would go to dinner with, or have a drink with when she was unable to come with us for one reason or another. She broke our hearts...both mine and Jimmy's.

So my someone(s) for this entry are K and J. I love and miss them both, and I think about them more often than not.

Friday, July 22, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 8 ~ Someone Who Has Made Your Life Hell or Treated You Badly

Do 4 ex husbands and 2 ex wives count?? LOL!!

Seriously though, most people have an ex somewhere...ex husband, ex wife, ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend. And if any one of yours comes even close to the ex's in my life, you can relate to how I feel.

Ex #1 was abusive, both physically and emotionally. I was 17 when we got married and it didn't take long for me to figure out I wasn't gonna be sticking around in that relationship for any length of time. And the ONLY good thing that came from that ex was my amazing, talented and beautiful eldest daughter. I am SO proud of her.

Ex #2 was ... hmmmmm ... let's just say, he was another bad choice on my part. BUT I did manage to find some good there. My second daughter and my son. They have both been through some tough times in their lives, but I can honestly say, they are such a blessing to me and I am more than proud of them and the choices they have made in their lives.

Ex #3... I met him BEFORE I married #1 while I was still in HS. I probably should have left it in HS. I still can't comprehend how a man can be and do the things he did BUT do a complete reversal around his family. We went from being a rodeo couple, living the wild life, to zero within 3 months after we married. Which BTW, his parents really didn't approve of and they made it very well known to me every time we were in the same room.

This brings us to Ex #4. A Momma's boy...and anyone who has dated or been involved with a Momma's boy knows exactly what I'm talking about. She was in our business ALL the time. From how I cleaned my house, to what I fed my family. And she was NEVER happy.

This one lasted the longest...almost 14 years. But in the end, I just couldn't deal with the way I was living. Stifled. Unfulfilled. Unhappy. And when I did make the decision to remove him from my life, he went out of his way to make MY life a living hell. Even going so far as to contact all my (not our) friends and family (people I had known more than 30 years) and outright LIE to them. He even for a short period of time was able to turn my children against me. I lost a very nice job because of him, and ended up leaving everything I knew so I could just get away from him and his obsession of "getting even with me".

I left my home, my family, my house and ALL it's contents and moved all the way across the country (from Arizona to Maryland) just to keep from killing this man and going to prison for the rest of my life. That's how miserable he made me. And to this day, he or ex wife #2 will occasionally find a way to creep back into my life and try to irritate the shit outta me again.

It's taken a while, but I've been able to restore most of the relationships he destroyed...there's still one or two who won't speak to me and think I'm lower than dirt. And only one that continues to hurt...

So, yeah, I gotta say Ex #4 is the ONE person who has made my life hell

Thursday, July 21, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 7 ~ Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living

There isn't just one person who has made my life worth living...

I am truly blessed in my life. I have a wonderful man who walked into my life 10 years ago and turned my world upside down. For the better.

I have 3 grown children who are each successful in their lives and have given me 7 of the most beautiful granddaughters anyone could want.

I have many close friends who in one way or another has touched my life and enriched it beyond my wildest imaginings.

So to try to single out just one person in my life cannot be done...I am thankful for each and every person I have encountered. Those who have touched my life in both the positive and negative. For there MUST be balance of light and dark in each situation.

No, I won't single out just one person...there are entirely too many people who have made my life worth living.

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 6 ~ Something You Hope You Never Have to Do

This one is easy...I hope I never have to bury one of my children.

I mean, come on...parents aren't supposed to outlive their children. They are suppose to grow old and be able to enjoy their children as adults along with the spouses and grandchildren most would add into the mix.

I know, in the real world, there are people every day who have to do just the thing I hope I never have to do. And I can't even begin to understand how they feel. I am more than thankful my children and grandchildren are for the most part healthy and happy in their lives. I pray each morning asking my Goddess to grant them health and long life. So far, my prayers have been answered, BUT I do NOT take anything for granted. I know things can and usually do change in the twinkle of an eye.

I'm just hopeful I won't ever have to live through the loss of one of my children or grandchildren...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

It's TOO DAMN HOT!!

Our AC stopped working, it's hotter inside than out, so I'm not going to be doing much online tonight. Will catch up on 30 Days of Truth tomorrow after the repairman comes...

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

30 Days of truth ~ Day 5 ~ Someting You Hope to Do in Your Lifetime

Like a few people I know, I have a “Bucket List” of things I want to accomplish before I pass once again into the Summerland.

To pare down my list to just one thing took some thought. I want to travel to Spain, Hawaii (specifically Kauai), and Salem.

I want to win the lottery…and with those winnings pay off all my debt and buy a small house on or very near the beach.

I want to go back to school…get a business degree.

The one thing I can narrow my One Thing I hope to Do down to is get the business degree and open my own little Pagan Tea Shop. A place where people can come hang out, enjoy some amazing tea and browse the bookshelves. This has been my *dream* for as long as I can remember and up until recently I had no idea how to accomplish it. Now I have the opportunity to go back to college, get a business degree and have the foundation to make this impossible dream a reality.

I know, it’s not going to be easy, especially at my age, but I am determined to give it my best shot. And when I do finally open, I promise I’ll send you all invitations to the grand opening of Aoibheal’s Attic!

Monday, July 18, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 4: Something You Have to Forgive Someone Else For

When I sat down and tried to come up with one specific thing to forgive someone for, I couldn’t do it.

There have been a lot of times in my life I felt I had been “wronged”. If I held onto them, I’d be stark raving looney by now. For the most part, I have dealt with the issue; put it in its own little box on a shelf in that great big imaginary closet we all have where we put things we don’t want to deal with any longer, and moved on. Sometimes far away from said closet.

I feel I have grown from the faults I have encountered. I have changed, mostly for the better, and can honestly say I don’t hold a grudge…OK, not for very long anyway… I pick up the pieces, dust myself off and move along to the next phase/challenge my Goddess has in store for me.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

Many, many things...but the one that I can't seem to get past is the breakdown of the relationship with my eldest daughter. I can list various reasons or excuses, but the simple fact is, it was easier to let my mother be her mother.

I was a frightened, abused by my husband, in the process of a divorce after only being married less than a year, teenager, when she was born 37 years ago. And when she was finally released from the hospital after her birth, where she had to spend an additional 4 weeks because her *father* beat me the night I went into labor with her and caused a premature birth, I honestly didn't know how to care for her. So, up steps my Mom and literally takes over the care and comfort for this child. There were times when I did try to do things on my own, be a mother to her, I mostly failed. I made so many mistakes, and repeated a few of them.

But I NEVER stopped loving her. Or stopped worrying about her. I have tried to mend the damage, sometimes I think I'm doing OK, others I feel like I'm pushing her away again. She is after all an adult with a 15 year old daughter of her own and even though she has very serious health problems she is doing an AMAZING job as a parent.

I wish we were closer, both in distance and in heart. I'd love to be able to spend time with her, learning about the incredible adult she has become. Until that time comes, I'll work on forgiving myself, and I'll continue to thank Goddess everyday, and ask Her to keep her under Her protection.

I love you Mylia...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 2: Something you love about yourself

Hmmmm, this one caused me to stop and do some heavy soul searching. The thing that kept coming back goes pretty much hand in hand with what I wrote for day 1. It's the polar opposite of what I hate about myself, so it stands to reason, it "should" be what I love about myself.

I'm extremely compassionate. I have a huge heart and would do anything I possibly can for any of my family and friends. Little things make me cry, Jimmy holding me when he knows I'm having a difficult moment, (there has been QUITE a few of those moments recently), my Fur babies giving me morning cuddles, getting a IM, text or FB message from one of my granddaughters, seeing Ravyn grow and change on an almost daily basis...big cheesy grin here, LOL!

Being the optimistic one in *most* any given situation...looking for the best possible outcome in what others consider their most awful circumstances. Knowing that I can help someone feel better just because I put the thought and feeling into words...

Loving everyone other than myself just a little bit more...

Friday, July 15, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Something I Hate About Myself

There are a myriad of things I hate about myself and to try to narrow it down to just one is beyond difficult. So after I posted the entry itemizing the daily "truths", I sat down and made a list. The thing that kept coming up was that I am too emotional.

So, for Day #1, I HATE that I am too emotional...

Being emotional can be a good thing or in my case it is probably the ONE thing that causes me the most problems. I cry easily, I get angry even easier. And then there is anxiety, frustration, ... you get the picture.

I also HATE that I have a difficult time controlling my emotions. There are times when I can be in a situation and I'm good, another time, I'm off the freakin wall.

So, yeah, I HATE that I am too emotional. Now that I've admitted it, I gotta find a way to get and keep a handle on it. Next to impossible...*sigh*

Friday's Fumblings...

Last night's Full Moon was amazing! I was able to put away all the anger, and unsettledness (<<--Vickie ism), and just sit and absorb the energy from that bright shining light. Now, this morning I'm hoping I can implement some of the things revealed to me during my meditation. I didn't do spell work, I wasn't in a place where I felt stable and safe enough.

I've been having a difficult time the past few days. It's been brought back to me how much I need to be self sufficient and not rely on anyone for the important things. This is like an oxy moron for me... we don't have a vehicle so we are reliant on someone else to even get to the grocery. And as I was trying to resolve that issue, I asked someone to help me out. Let's just say I should have known better. Now I'm back to square one, doing things myself and hoping for a productive outcome.

On a more positive note, I did re commit to the 30 Days of Truth challenge and will be doing my best to complete all 30 days in a row this time...we'll see, LOL! First installment will be posted this evening sometime!

Have a wonderful day, I am really going to try. OH! The weather here in the sand hills of NC has cooled off a bit today, so I'm planning to be outside at least part of the day enjoying the mid 80's.

~xoxo, Vickie

Thursday, July 14, 2011

30 Days of Truth...

Back in January of this year I started this challenge and promptly discarded it. There were too many things going on in my life and I didn't feel I could honestly answer and then post those answers to the questions/statements. My brother had just been diagnosed with cancer, I was worried about him and my mother who lives with him. Tanya was having some problems with her pregnancy and once again depression was my best friend.

So, even though there is alot going on around me, (when is there ever NOT something happening in my world?) I'm going to once again attempt to complete this challenge...

Without further ado, I give you the 30 Days of Truth

Here are the days that we have to share truth about ourselves. I promise to be truthful to myself while responding to these statements.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

Day 2: Something you love about yourself

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living

Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or treated you badly

Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but who drifted

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough times

Day 14: A hero that has let you down

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without

Day 16: Something or someone you could definitely live without

Day 17: A book you've read that changed your view on something

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage

Day 19: What is your opinion of religion?

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21: (Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you got into a fight a couple of hours before. What do you do?

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose those songs

Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life?

Day 27: What's the best thing you've got going for you right now?

Day 28: What would you do if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) right now?

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself

Day 30: A letter to yourself

Monday, July 11, 2011

Persephone's Side of the Story

They thought I’d been abducted. May be it’s best that’s what they believe.

How do you explain to the mother who has your entire life planned out, you weren’t the lily white daughter she had built all her hopes upon? When I saw her last I was a slender, young maiden with flowers in my hair. My cheeks would turn pink each time a boy so much as looked at me, my innocent sighs so charmingly executed.

Some days I still yearn for flowers, but wake up to find jet roses in my bed and at my feet. No longer the tender young thing, now I’m full, red and ripe. I have no use for sonnets or ribbons in my hair. I clothe myself in spider silk and shadow, and speak with the tongues of nightmares.

Mother would have had me wed to some milk faced boy, who would follow me around blindly and paw at me when the lights were turned out. I cannot see myself sitting idly in the sunlight, fanning myself and drinking watered wine. I’m addicted to the darkness, where I can submerge myself in the night and drag my fingernails across Deaths shoulders.

She had always talked about grandchildren, and it never occurred to me to disagree. How do I explain to her I find the cries of the dead far more pleasing than the thought of a whining child at my breast? I know she would be astounded to know, here in this place, I have no need to bow my head. I am much more than wife and the things I say are law.

Now that you have seen me and fulfilled your duty, return to her and if you wish, tell her I was afraid, that I begged him to release me and let me go back. Tell her I screamed when he held me down and forced me to submit. It’s for the best she doesn’t know my screams were not from fear.

By now, I’m sure she’s gone to Zeus begging for him to hasten my release. I’m pretty sure her cause is lost, you see, I swallowed much more than seeds that night. Mother will feel better if she thinks I grieve for those scattered blossoms, lost on Enna’s rolling hills. She must never know I have learned to love the taste of blood and I’m not going anywhere…