Monday, January 31, 2011

My Days Just Keep Getting Crazier!

It's true, my brother does have stage 4 carcinoma and since it's progressed as far as it has, the doctors have determined it is inoperable. Chemotherapy and radiation could be an option, but it won't stop the cancer, it will just prolong the inevitable. So today has been one of those roller coaster ride of a day trying to figure out IF we should try to go to AZ now, or wait and see what happens and more than likely prepare for the funeral.

I have spent the most part of my day either on the computer chatting with my children as we try to decide which would be the better plan, or checking out the cost of airline tickets. Goddess, I hate being in this state of limbo where you know nothing and can make no decisions.

Today Robby had an appointment with an oncologist at Northwest Hospital, this doctor gave him the diagnosis, and Robby just got up and walked out of the room. Doesn't want to hear any options, treatment plans...nothing. He won't even consider doing a Living Will or Power of Attorney because he has his mind made up that his wishes won't be followed. I have never known my brother to just give up on anything, he's a fighter and he never quits. So why has he decided now is the time to throw in the towel?

From what I'm getting second hand, because I STILL haven't spoken directly to anyone, is that he IS considering obtaining a second opinion from an oncologist with connections to UMC. Personally, I'd like to see him go to Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Phoenix, but he's digging his feet in about money and how much this is all gonna cost. There has GOT to be a way to get him the care he needs.

I did "chat" with my youngest niece this evening, and asked her to please put our differences on hold while the family goes through this crisis. She has agreed and has also agreed to see if my brother will talk to me. Maybe I can piss him off enough to get him to fight. He has a beautiful baby granddaughter, why wouldn't he want to fight to see her grow up? I just don't understand...

Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows...

I am so far behind on my 30 Days of Truth I may as well begin again. I'm not going to, I am going to "try" to begin again on day 3 tomorrow.

Things have been so crazy this past week, and with the added worry about my brother in AZ on top of it all, I just can't seem to find much normalcy in my life at the moment.

I am SO thankful I have Jimmy, he's my rock. This is the second "family" crisis he has helped me get through and even though we are doing this one long distance and on very limited information, he keeps me going.

My birthday is Wednesday, have no plans and payday isn't until Friday. Looks like it's gonna be a quiet one this year. I guess that's a good thing, cause with all that's wacky in the/my world, peace and quiet seem to be a scarce commodity.

I'm not sure I understand all that's going on in Egypt. It just seems very sad to me. I AM thankful that my friend Jen and her husband were able to take their trip and get back safely before any of the protests began.

Enough of my ramblings for tonight...I'll work on the next installment of 30 Days of Truth and get it posted tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Miracles Happen Every Day...Don't They???

So, yesterday via Facebook, I find out there is an urgent request for prayer for someone in my family in Arizona. My first gut reaction was OMG! What has happened to my mother? She's 77 and a diabetic with many other health issues, it makes perfect sense for me to go into a minor panic mode. Especially since NO ONE in Amado would bother to contact me IF something did happen to her.

After some phone calls, I finally find out NO it's not my mother, it's my brother. And they have done a biopsy to determine if he really does have stage 4 cancer. They found a lump, mass, blob, growth, {insert which ever descriptive word you choose, here}, in one of his lungs and they think it has also gone into the bones in his lower back. Results *should* be back today or tomorrow...I thought it was yesterday or today...

All day yesterday I was in a fog, I can't tell you what I ate, drank or what time I finally went to sleep. Today hasn't been much better. I tried to do some work, thankfully I can work from home, so being scatterbrained wasn't noticed by anyone but me. I haven't found much comfort in the usual things.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Keep a constant prayer going and light a healing candle...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Blogging Without Obligation ~ Borrowed from tartx

After coming across what seemed to be the 4000th or so post on someone’s blog starting with “I’m sorry I haven’t posted in awhile.” I decided it is time to rethink what makes a good blog and the expectations that have come to be part of it. I am thinking that no one should utter those words again . . .and with that thought I give you Blogging Without Obligation.

If you feel the same way feel free to grab the logo, make a logo or whatever you would like to do!

I release all the logos, thoughts and words mentioned here about this concept into the public domain. Take the idea and run with it. . .or walk away. It is all good.
  • Because you shouldn’t have to look at your blog like it is a treadmill.
  • Because its okay to just say what you have to say. If that makes for a long post, fine. Short post, fine. Frequent post, fine. Infrequent post, fine.
  • Because its okay to not always be enthralled with the sound of your own typing.
  • Because sometimes less is more.
  • Because only blogging when you feel truly inspired keeps up the integrity of your blog.
  • Because they are probably not going to inscribe your stat, link and comment numbers on your tombstone.
  • Because for most of us blogging is just a hobby. A way to express yourself and connect with others. You should not have to apologize for lapses in posts. Just take a step back and enjoy life, not everything you do has to be “bloggable”.
  • Because if you blog without obligation you will naturally keep your blog around longer, because it won’t be a chore. Plus, just think you will be doing your part to eradicate post pollution. One post at a time. . .

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Mini Meltdown

Tonight I had one...over a gallon of milk. There hasn't been any milk in the house for two nights. And when I couldn't cook dinner last night because of it, I got upset.

Tonight, I asked Jimmy & Ed to stop at the store on the way home from work and pick up some milk and coffee creamer. I'm spoiled, I only like International Delight's Amaretto creamer in my morning coffee. I will use something else if I can't get the Amaretto, but I prefer not to if at all possible. So, Jimmy in his freak out mode to get said creamer, made an honest mistake and forgot the milk, even though the milk and creamer are practically next door neighbors in the dairy aisle.

Why was it such a big deal that they forgot the milk? Because Tanya is pregnant. She doesn't like dairy, she's not lactose intolerant, she just doesn't like milk. But she has been making an effort to drink at least one glass of milk each night before she goes to bed. I think I got more upset over the casual attitude of "you can do without it one more night and we'll get some tomorrow". Which for some reason seems to be the standard attitude in this house and it makes me more than crazy!

And to be honest, I probably over reacted a bit, mmmm, maybe more than a bit. I'm guessing the lack of sleep for the past 3 nights just amplified things. I tried to keep it under control, and I should know better. Cause when I do that, things just get WAY out of hand. It happened tonight, I cried, tried to keep calm, a snippy remark was made, I let go, and then I went to the shower.

In the end...we now have milk in the house. And I'm going to bed, with sleep aids.

Friday, January 14, 2011


I've been relatively quiet this week...this are so out of my control and I have a hard time dealing with that. The fact that my life is no longer in my control makes me want to scream and throw things. But I don't...I cry ALOT, I pout more than I should, and I spend a more than normal amount of time in my bed, with the blankets pulled up over my head.

I'm trying to be positive about this change...but when I need to go to the grocery store and have no way to get there really makes it difficult to do so. I keep praying that this is just going to be another one of those temporary setbacks we seem to be having an abundance of. And I know Goddess is challenging me, because I am such a control freak, and this is something I need to work on and get under control.

I did *get out of the house* yesterday. I got to go to work for a few hours. My Territory Representative came in from Kansas City and he and Gail picked me up and we "toured" 3 of my 9 stores. YIKES! Two of them were *OK* but the third one was out of control...however, since no one had been to visit said store since MAY 2010, I'm guessing that in itself is a reasonable explanation, ya think??

I'm still not sure how I'm going to be able to do this job (or any job for that matter), I don't have a car, and that means I can't "visit" my stores like they need to be. It seems I'm doing the one step forward, two steps backwards dance. But for right now, I am making a small bit of money...I'm getting paid for all the time I'm training, either in person with Gail, or on the internet. I also get paid for all related phone calls, text messages, and emails. And I am reimbursed for any expenses I have to do the job...

So, for now, I'm praying for guidance, envisioning a car, and trying to work on my irritability. Let's see which one manifests first...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Have I Told You Lately....

how VERY much I do not like snow and the cold weather?

When we lived in Maryland, it was a given that I'd be cold. But even though everyone warned me about exactly how cold I'd be and that I'd need to make sure I layered my clothes and wore two pair of socks in my boots, it didn't *seem* to be as cold as I was anticipating. Oh yeah, it was cold, and coming from Scottsdale AZ where it 103 when we left on that September day, the winters still didn't make me want to catch the quickest way back to the desert. We lived in MD for 4 years and it snowed every winter we were there.

Then we moved to Michigan and I learned the TRUE meaning of cold and seasonal depression. Very quickly I grew to absolutely hate the weather in MI. If it wasn't hot & humid, it was windy & rainy, or cold and snowing. And it seemed like I could NEVER get warm. We spent 2 winters in the Detroit area, the first of which we lived in an older home with questionable insulation, where our bedroom was in the basement. Thank Goddess for the invention of electric heaters! That first winter I stayed mostly in the house, wrapped in my blankets and wondering if spring was ever going to show up. Thankfully it did and I once again found my humanity.

The next winter, I worked all winter. And let me tell you that was an experience, LOL! I didn't know how to drive in the snow and ice, so Tanya or Jimmy drove me to and from work. Mostly Tanya, because when Jimmy wasn't working his *real* job, he spent ALOT of time in a snowplow or salt truck.

Now here we are in North Carolina. When we moved here from MI, Jimmy tells us "it doesn't get cold or snow in the area we are going to in NC, so you don't need to bring all your heavy winter things" Yeah right! This is now our 3rd winter here and it has snowed at least two times each winter, not to mention the ice. Oh and the wind blowing cold! I don't have my warm boots, I don't have my heavy coat and I don't have my electric blanket...dammit! So, I'm in the house, curled up in my bed with the heating pad because it's snowed ALL day and now we are having ice...and it's not even supposed to break 30 degrees tomorrow!


Monday, January 3, 2011

Hoof and horn, hoof and horn...

...all that dies, shall be reborn.
Corn and grain, corn and grain,
all that falls, shall rise again. ~ B.O.G

On January 2, 2011 between the hours of 4AM and 5AM, the Maryland Pagan community lost one of their beloved members.

Nicholas Smith, also known to many as Nick Wizard passed into the Summerland after an extended illness.

Nick was one of the first people I met after moving to the Annapolis, MD area in 2004. My Spirit Sister and best friend Silver along with her husband Wolf invited Jimmy and I to attend a Ritual that was being held at Nick's home near Bowie, MD. When we arrived, Silver wasn't there yet, but when we knocked on the door, it was opened by this man who had such a beautiful aura around him, he took my breath away for just a split second.

Nick invited us into his home, and didn't hesitate to make us welcome, even though we had never before met one another. We explained that Silver had invited us and after that it was like we were part of his family. I will never forger that night, it was one of the most powerful Rituals I had attended up until that point and the fellowship and camaraderie after was far more than me in my Pagan newbiness even dared to hope for. The food was amazing, simple fare he told us, but to me it tasted like home, the drinks were first time trying Mead, and conversation was all inclusive. We were not made to feel outsiders, but included in whichever discussion was going on around us at the time.

After that night, over the next two years, we were invited back to Nick's home on many occasions and we spent quite a few weekends together with him and our mutual friends at Maryland Renaissance Faire and Maryland Faerie Festival.

Jimmy and I moved away from MD October 31, 2006. Over the past 4 years I have kept in contact with Silver, and kept up with our Pagan/RenFaire/Faerie Festival friends through messages and the pictures they posted on Facebook. Even though I wasn't able to keep in direct contact with Nick, I did see the many photo's of him that various people posted.

Yesterday, I was getting ready to run some errands when I got the news that Nick had passed. This was so unexpected to me. I didn't know he was ill or had been for as long as he was. My reaction to the heart hurt, literally. I couldn't breathe, and the tears were...tears. All I could think was, "why Nick?, why did such a generous and well loved person have to be taken?" I still don't have those answers, don't know if I ever will. But I do know I will miss him, greatly...

Goddess guide you and keep you safe until we meet again, Nick. Rest well in the Summerland as you prepare for your next journey, what ever that may be.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year

Usually, I'm pretty upbeat about the beginning of a new year. And to be honest, it's there, just buried a bit deeper than normal this year. I really am looking forward to 2011. And with the attitude adjustment I gave myself last night, this coming year holds lots of promise.

I have SO many things to be thankful for:

I am on speaking terms with ALL my kids...and I love and miss the ones I don't see too often. And even though MD is only about 6 hrs away, I just can't see anyway to get there, at least not any time soon...hmmmm, maybe a summer trip?  I have 6 of the most beautiful grand daughters with another due in June. Even though we are all spread out over most of the south eastern US, I get pictures from them all on a regular basis, which keeps me caught up on how the girls are growing and changing.

For the most part I am healthy. Over the past few weeks I have developed a cough that seems to come out of no where, I *feel* it's because I live in a house with 3 smokers and I've been overcome by second hand smoke. The biggest issue I'm having is my constant battle with my weight. But coming from a family that is predisposed to being overweight and having diabetes, I count myself pretty damn lucky that my only issue is the extra poundage, and not the diabetes.

Jimmy and I are doing great. And even though neither one of us is working (OK, I DO have the Hallmark thing, but it's not making me rich), the one thing we are completely sure about is our commitment to each other. We have even talked about getting married sometime this year...possibly in the fall, since that IS my favorite season.

I'm considering going back to school...yeah I know, Vickie you are gonna be 55 this year! What the hell are you thinking? Well, I found out there is a program with the Department of Education Financial Aide, that can *forgive* my previous defaulted student loans, and after being in this program for 60 days, my default will be removed from my credit report and I 'll be eligible for financial aide, IF I'd like to go back and get a degree. So, I've been checking out the various colleges that are accredited AND have a degree program. So far, I'm leaning towards a Bachelors of Science Degree in Business-Concentration in Small Business Management and Entrepreneurship.

For as long as I can remember, and more so since I came out of the broom closet, I have wanted to own a Pagan Tea Shop. I have dreams about this, I see this in everything I do...but up until now, I couldn't imagine a way to make it work. With a degree and being a single female, I have found there are LOTS of places to go to get help in starting a business. So, this is my one unshakable goal for 2011, to begin my journey to financial stability. I know it won't be easy. Yeah, I know, I sure waited a LONG time to begin this trek, but I'm here now and I'm going to give it my all...

So if my single mindedness in achieving this goal sometimes confuses you, just remember,  it, at times, confuses me too...