Many, many things...but the one that I can't seem to get past is the breakdown of the relationship with my eldest daughter. I can list various reasons or excuses, but the simple fact is, it was easier to let my mother be her mother.
I was a frightened, abused by my husband, in the process of a divorce after only being married less than a year, teenager, when she was born 37 years ago. And when she was finally released from the hospital after her birth, where she had to spend an additional 4 weeks because her *father* beat me the night I went into labor with her and caused a premature birth, I honestly didn't know how to care for her. So, up steps my Mom and literally takes over the care and comfort for this child. There were times when I did try to do things on my own, be a mother to her, I mostly failed. I made so many mistakes, and repeated a few of them.
But I NEVER stopped loving her. Or stopped worrying about her. I have tried to mend the damage, sometimes I think I'm doing OK, others I feel like I'm pushing her away again. She is after all an adult with a 15 year old daughter of her own and even though she has very serious health problems she is doing an AMAZING job as a parent.
I wish we were closer, both in distance and in heart. I'd love to be able to spend time with her, learning about the incredible adult she has become. Until that time comes, I'll work on forgiving myself, and I'll continue to thank Goddess everyday, and ask Her to keep her under Her protection.
I love you Mylia...